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Hidden within this short story are a number of references to films and Television shows that Lane has appeared in. The number in the
parenthesis at the end of each paragraph corresponds to the number found in the solution. How many titles or partial titles (indicated by 'P'
after the number), can you spot?
parenthesis at the end of each paragraph corresponds to the number found in the solution. How many titles or partial titles (indicated by 'P'
after the number), can you spot?
Note: The pictures are for visual aids only, and don't necessarily match the show being referred to in the paragraph
My best friend since childhood shared a house with me. This living arrangement
evolved over the years as we both somehow, through no device of our own,
remain confirmed bachelors. One evening I came home from work to find him
sitting in the den staring at a letter clutched in his hands. "What's that you got
there, Damon?" I asked, but quickly regretted the question. The expression on his
face told me that whatever it was, it wasn't good news. (1)
evolved over the years as we both somehow, through no device of our own,
remain confirmed bachelors. One evening I came home from work to find him
sitting in the den staring at a letter clutched in his hands. "What's that you got
there, Damon?" I asked, but quickly regretted the question. The expression on his
face told me that whatever it was, it wasn't good news. (1)
"Ohhh," he moaned, "it's a Dear John letter from my girlfriend. She
writes that it's all over between us. She's even moving back to Dallas
to get away from me." (2, 3)
writes that it's all over between us. She's even moving back to Dallas
to get away from me." (2, 3)
"Ouch, that's got to hurt," I responded with sympathy. Damon considers himself
somewhat of a ladies man but he never can keep any girlfriend for longer than six
months. The gift of love has a way of eluding my friend no matter how hard he
tries. "What went wrong with this one?" I had to ask as I thought back to all of the
woman who had passed through Daman's life. (4, 5)
somewhat of a ladies man but he never can keep any girlfriend for longer than six
months. The gift of love has a way of eluding my friend no matter how hard he
tries. "What went wrong with this one?" I had to ask as I thought back to all of the
woman who had passed through Daman's life. (4, 5)
"I think it has something to do with how I admitted I was having impure thoughts about
her best friend Ellen." (6, 7)
her best friend Ellen." (6, 7)
"How could you have been so clueless? Why would you tell her a thing like that?" I
probed. (8)
probed. (8)
"Because she said that she had grounds to believe I wasn't being faithful to
her. She listed them off and they sounded like reasonable doubts to me,
and she was so upset. I thought I would put her mind to rest by proving to
her that I can lust after someone else and not fool around, but instead of
being grateful, she just sat there, grabbing my jacket and giving me this
look." (9)
her. She listed them off and they sounded like reasonable doubts to me,
and she was so upset. I thought I would put her mind to rest by proving to
her that I can lust after someone else and not fool around, but instead of
being grateful, she just sat there, grabbing my jacket and giving me this
look." (9)
I shook my head, "It sounds to me like she just doesn't understand the secret lives of men
and how we can't pretend not to notice when there's a hot chick around. She could have at
least given you some credit for trying, but you on the other hand, should have known she
wouldn't. Didn't you learn anything from when something like this happened to your brother
and his wife?" (10)
and how we can't pretend not to notice when there's a hot chick around. She could have at
least given you some credit for trying, but you on the other hand, should have known she
wouldn't. Didn't you learn anything from when something like this happened to your brother
and his wife?" (10)
"That was completely different, first of all, Lois and Clark
are married with children, and for another thing they were
already dealing with major issues in their relationship
before Lois started making eyes at that drunken sleaze ball
Buddy Faro." (11P, 12, 13)
are married with children, and for another thing they were
already dealing with major issues in their relationship
before Lois started making eyes at that drunken sleaze ball
Buddy Faro." (11P, 12, 13)
"Really? I didn't know that. What kind of problems were they working on?" (14)
"Clark signed up their son for little league without talking it over with Lois first, and on top
of that he volunteered to coach the team. The practice sessions took so much time away
from the kid's homework, that he ended up getting a 'D' in Social Studies. Lois had to hire a
tutor, some screwball guy who was listed in the phone book as Nick Freno: Licensed
of that he volunteered to coach the team. The practice sessions took so much time away
from the kid's homework, that he ended up getting a 'D' in Social Studies. Lois had to hire a
tutor, some screwball guy who was listed in the phone book as Nick Freno: Licensed
Teacher. And then after a baseball hit little Herman's head during a
game, my sister was ready to take dead aim at Clark with a 44."
Damon laughed despite the seriousness of the subject matter. "I can
still picture poor Clark as he stood in the middle of the emergency
room with blood all over his shirt while Lois glared bullets at him, all
that he could do was throw up his arms in the air and tell her, 'Alright,
already, just shoot me!'" (15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)
game, my sister was ready to take dead aim at Clark with a 44."
Damon laughed despite the seriousness of the subject matter. "I can
still picture poor Clark as he stood in the middle of the emergency
room with blood all over his shirt while Lois glared bullets at him, all
that he could do was throw up his arms in the air and tell her, 'Alright,
already, just shoot me!'" (15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22)
"Well if I was Clark, I think I would hire myself a body double, it sounds like the situation
with Lois is getting dangerous. How's Herman doing? Did the crew at General Hospital take
good care of him?" (23, 24, 25)
with Lois is getting dangerous. How's Herman doing? Did the crew at General Hospital take
good care of him?" (23, 24, 25)
"Oh baby!" Damon exclaimed. "The nurses there are the best, especially the head nurse,
Rachael Gunn. She may look and dress like a drag queen, but she's has that place running like
a well-oiled machine, that woman is like a force of one. She makes sure that everyone does
their job and does it right, all the way from the doctors treating the patients to the janitor who
scrubs the floor. That Dr. Seinfeld who treated Herman is a good man too, and you know, he
looks a little like John Larroquette." (26, 27, 28P, 29, 30, 31, 32P)
Rachael Gunn. She may look and dress like a drag queen, but she's has that place running like
a well-oiled machine, that woman is like a force of one. She makes sure that everyone does
their job and does it right, all the way from the doctors treating the patients to the janitor who
scrubs the floor. That Dr. Seinfeld who treated Herman is a good man too, and you know, he
looks a little like John Larroquette." (26, 27, 28P, 29, 30, 31, 32P)
"Oh yeah, hospitals can be really hectic places and need someone who can take the bull by
the horns," I agreed. "I know because I was an active kid and was always getting hurt. My
mother used to swear that we spent most of the days of our lives in some hospital emergency
room or another." (33)
the horns," I agreed. "I know because I was an active kid and was always getting hurt. My
mother used to swear that we spent most of the days of our lives in some hospital emergency
room or another." (33)
"When we first got there, in the beginning, it was very busy. Then it settled down, but as we
were leaving things were picking up again as the next wave of patients started coming in."
My friend paused to reflect back for a moment before continuing. "There was one patient
that really stood out for me though. He had a screwdriver driven right through his hand.
Clark felt because the guy was a marine and was there alone, that he should help him while
we waited to be seen. But Clark kept ticking off the guy by calling him sergeant. He didn't
get why until finally Herman got through that thick fog in Clark's head when he yelled out,
'He's a major Dad." Damon laughed out loud over his own story, but then his expression
quickly became somber. "One thing that was really hard to take was when paramedics
rushed in with a man who had overdosed on sleeping pills. Later, when we saw the woman
who rode with him in the ambulance being lead away, sobbing loudly, we overheard several
people whispering to each other, 'that's the suicide's wife'". (34P, 35P, 36, 37)
were leaving things were picking up again as the next wave of patients started coming in."
My friend paused to reflect back for a moment before continuing. "There was one patient
that really stood out for me though. He had a screwdriver driven right through his hand.
Clark felt because the guy was a marine and was there alone, that he should help him while
we waited to be seen. But Clark kept ticking off the guy by calling him sergeant. He didn't
get why until finally Herman got through that thick fog in Clark's head when he yelled out,
'He's a major Dad." Damon laughed out loud over his own story, but then his expression
quickly became somber. "One thing that was really hard to take was when paramedics
rushed in with a man who had overdosed on sleeping pills. Later, when we saw the woman
who rode with him in the ambulance being lead away, sobbing loudly, we overheard several
people whispering to each other, 'that's the suicide's wife'". (34P, 35P, 36, 37)
or complete savages." (38, 39)
Damon nodded his head, "Tell me about it. A woman carrying a kid having a seizure came
running through the door with him. The janitor had just mopped there but she didn't see the
wet floor sign and went slipping and sliding across the floor. She would have fallen and maybe
broken her neck and the boy's too, if it hadn't been for one of the mommies there with another
sick kid. Disregarding her own safety, she rushed over and caught them both just in time. That
was inspiring to see, but then the woman who nearly fell had trouble getting the kid seen by a
doctor because it turned out that she was only the nanny, and didn't have proper proof of
authorization with her. The admin staff gave her a hard time until that head nurse intervened."
(40, 41)
running through the door with him. The janitor had just mopped there but she didn't see the
wet floor sign and went slipping and sliding across the floor. She would have fallen and maybe
broken her neck and the boy's too, if it hadn't been for one of the mommies there with another
sick kid. Disregarding her own safety, she rushed over and caught them both just in time. That
was inspiring to see, but then the woman who nearly fell had trouble getting the kid seen by a
doctor because it turned out that she was only the nanny, and didn't have proper proof of
authorization with her. The admin staff gave her a hard time until that head nurse intervened."
(40, 41)
"Speaking of intervention, did Herman's head injury put a damper on the family's plans for a
trip to the new Funland amusement park?" (42)
trip to the new Funland amusement park?" (42)
"Yeah, afraid so, Lois is still not talking to Clark, and Clark's not speaking to Lois, and
Herman is happy just sitting in front of the boob tube watching old classic TV shows on
cable, but he's recovering quicker than expected, so don't ever underestimate the magic of
Lassie." (43)
Herman is happy just sitting in front of the boob tube watching old classic TV shows on
cable, but he's recovering quicker than expected, so don't ever underestimate the magic of
Lassie." (43)
"Woops! I almost forgot to tell you that I took down a phone message to give you from a
Kelly...Kelly, darn I forgot her last name--" (44, 45)
Kelly...Kelly, darn I forgot her last name--" (44, 45)
"Kelly Golden, I like to call her and her twin sister Jesse, the golden girls." He snickered.
(46, 47)
(46, 47)
"Yeah, that's it, anyway she said to tell you that she and Tom will not be able to meet you
at the Hitz Bar and Grill tonight because her baby sister left for college today, and her
mother is taking it very hard, I'm not sure what that means." (48, 49)
at the Hitz Bar and Grill tonight because her baby sister left for college today, and her
mother is taking it very hard, I'm not sure what that means." (48, 49)
"It's a bad case of the empty nest syndrome. We were afraid that this was going to
happen. Well, now that I'm free of my girlfriend, and my friends have cancelled, I think
I'll do what I usually do when my chips are down, and that's head up to Santa Barbara
where the bold and the beautiful hang out. Maybe I'll rustle up some buddies to go fishing
with, or maybe go cruising for ladies." (50, 51, 52, 53)
happen. Well, now that I'm free of my girlfriend, and my friends have cancelled, I think
I'll do what I usually do when my chips are down, and that's head up to Santa Barbara
where the bold and the beautiful hang out. Maybe I'll rustle up some buddies to go fishing
with, or maybe go cruising for ladies." (50, 51, 52, 53)
"That's the spirit," I encouraged. "There's always more fish in the sea on this 3rd rock
from the sun." (54)
from the sun." (54)
I concurred, "You can see a lot in one night in an emergency room, both good
& evil things happen there. And the people can either act like angels of mercy
& evil things happen there. And the people can either act like angels of mercy